I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
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My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.