I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
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AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
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Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
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My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.