AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
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Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
Love is always patient and kind.
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I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*