Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
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Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷