Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
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ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
😅🤣😂
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.