i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
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I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud