Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
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Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.