Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
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Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
HERE’S MARKY
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
Me irl
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.