If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
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dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
This is why I hate group projects
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Festive toon…
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”