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Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said βI didnβt come here to make friends I came here to make cakesβ and the producer said βPlease never say that again.β
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
Dear Diaryβ
Todayβs the day! Iβm going to go up to that cute barista and say: βALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH βARVINβ?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!β
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it Iβll do it myself, seriously itβs fine Iβll figure it out, ughhh youβre so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. Itβs about choice
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically sheβs the fifth one
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is βno goblemoβ
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay Iβll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
me: if i had a time machine iβd eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, itβs the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about