Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
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Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
“That’s what” – She
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me