Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
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I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Labreador
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine