How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
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Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE