Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Chevy commercial]

“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”

Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded

Woman: I feared for my life the entire time

[out in public]

12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?

me: [showing him he’s wrong]

12: now you look like an idiot

me: i hate kids man.

I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls

When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.

[January 1, 0000]

Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?

Mary: so weird

*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*

Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor

Neighbor: *talking, shifts*

Me: *shifts, too, talking*

N: *moves, keeps talking*

M: *moves, too, keeps talking*

N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?

Me: Yes

N: *laughing*

Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:

Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.

There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.

Hands: Hold my beer.

DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news

SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time

This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter

[invention of baseball]

Guy: I’ll throw the ball

Me: and I catch it

Guy: no hit it with a stick

Me: then what?

Guy: someone else will try to catch it

Me: what if I miss?

Guy: someone else will try to catch it

Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad

A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?

my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated

If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.

Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.

As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.

i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.

(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes

am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise

My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”

My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”

Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?

the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law

in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away

A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.

ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break

why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake

If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.

Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy