Needless to say…*
*mic drop
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When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
Oh really? We’ll see what the same 6 people who always agree with me think about that
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change