I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air πππππππππ
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Iβm like if a scented trash bag was a person.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Happy Febuary everyone!
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys Iβm still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who donβt finish what they start
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
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Dilated Pupils
I hate that feeling after surgery when youβre not sure if youβre awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
Iβm not gaining weight, Iβm βretaining candy.β
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the β¬70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I donβt care about to confess?
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
My friend sneezed and I didnβt say βGod bless youβ and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
6YO said sheβll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
canβt bark with your mouth full