WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
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Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
tinder is all about the long game
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
it’s the silliest best thing
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
Why font matters.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.