If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
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Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
a god among men
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.