Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
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127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
definitely did not do anything wrong
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
Employees must applaud the planets.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.