*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
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Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
It’s Mental Health Day today.
– Sent from the app that literally causes anxiety.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far