I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
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[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?