Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
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Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
A double negative is a big no-no.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
what are they serving at kfc then???
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister