Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
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Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang