This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
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[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.