I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
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Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Rt to bother an English speaker
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
Time heals everything 🙂
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.