Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
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My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.