I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
You Might Also Like
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
I’m not alone. I have ants.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most