me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
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“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
just got my engagement photos
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
We found love in a hopeless place.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right