I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
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X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?