[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
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*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
ACED my prostate exam!
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
DOOO EEEET
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
#SCOTUS one-star review
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*