When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
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Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that