Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
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[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
Breaking news:
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
*jingles half the way*
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …