I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
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#Caturday
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.