“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
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I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
somebody come look at this
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us