I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
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[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
Saturday
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.