Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
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My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
we’re gonna need another temp
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
was Jim off killing horses or…
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
I like donuts.
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