we’re gonna need another temp
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*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room