I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
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I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
i would wish you the best but i am the best