Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
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I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
#MeanwhileinCanada
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.