I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
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I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
I unironically love this joke.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR