people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
You Might Also Like
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.