I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
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“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*