[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
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Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
🍞🦆
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.