Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
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You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”