When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
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Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
This raises questions
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.