Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
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DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.