[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
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I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
Deer are just ballerina dogs
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?