I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
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*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
Hmmmmm
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.