Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
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Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Legend 🤣🤣
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs