My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
You Might Also Like
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.