School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
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I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Nose
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
Yoga Matt
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”