Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
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The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it